I appreciate your writing so much. I am sick to death of this incredibly damaging political polarisation of motherhood that is so prevalent (especially when it wears "Christian" garb). It does so much harm to women. The Lord never prescribed specific life paths for entire demographics, with attached promises, and it is misrepresenting him to indicate or imply that he does.
For me, a very important process of discerning when/whether to have more children is to simply tell someone (usually my husband) all my fears about another pregnancy and baby. Only once all the fears have been articulated and are out in the open can I really start to understand if they are self-focused fears to overcome or nudges from God that now is not the right time. But if the fears stay in my head, they crowd out everything else and cloud my ability to discern. By naming her fears, I think the letter writer is taking the first steps to happily starting a family!
I've found this very helpful too! I'm an excessively internal processor sometimes, and my confidants (husband and first child's godmother) are, thankfully, external processors.
This is transcendent advice, Helen. Truly. I just wanted to add a thought: Sometimes life has a way of delivering clarity or certainty around these decisions in a way that provides an opportunity to make them even more meaningful. When I decided to have a kid, I was wishy washy about it. But then my brother died one week before my 40th birthday. I was shattered, resigned to not celebrate my birthday, but then had an epiphany. "I'll use his death as a gift to start the process," I decided. So on my 40th, I decided to go for it in his honor and as his gift to me. His name is my son's middle name. From death, life.
Your description of what to do about fear actually reminds me very strongly of what someone with OCD is supposed to do about their intrusive thoughts. You’re not supposed to try to suppress them, but instead you’re supposed to acknowledge them without attaching any particular importance to them and move on. Unfortunately it’s very much easier said than done
This was such a lovely response. At the beginning of my motherhood journey, I was also trying to plan for the perfect time for pregnancy, and I had definitely crossed the line into being excessively "prudent". Luckily (although at the time, it definitely didn't feel that way), we were less cautious than we "should have been" and we were blessed with our first daughter. I remember being so scared and angry, but in retrospect, the timing couldn't have been better. God knows the plan, even if you don't.
Ahhh Helen I'm tearing up - this was so healing to read. Thank you. And to the question asker (and any other women in her position) if reading, from a woman who has three children and has been terrified each time, it's okay to do this afraid. You'll learn to tell the difference between prudence/your better instincts warning you something is not safe or advisable and fear with time. Don't listen to the voices around you that say, or seem to say, that you shouldn't feel afraid or you should ashamed for feeling afraid, it doesn't make you any less of a woman or a bad mother. 🙏🏼❤️🔥
This was so compassionate and wise. I grew up around the flatteningly positive side and came of age/have lived socially in the negative overcorrection. I've known so many women (including myself before having my son) stuck in that "cycle of endless, actionless discernment." It's easy to overlook how much it may mean to another woman to tell her you believe in her motherhood.
Great essay Helen! It always helps me to think: yes, pregnancy and childbirth (and raising kids) are very tough but also a lot of people have done it successfully!
I so appreciate this. There is a strain of writing on motherhood, much of it found on Substack, that essentially says “if this is hard, the problem is you.” With “this” being anything from childbirth to homeschooling to being home with small children to marriage.
Yes, it’s a reaction to negative portrayals of motherhood but a lot of this actually is really hard! I was pregnant or nursing for 6 years straight, through two live births and four miscarriages, and it was HARD. Beautiful, meaningful work, but really hard. I’m only just feeling physically recovered now that I’ve had a yearlong break from pregnancy/nursing.
Men are constantly going off to war at age 18. And they do it because they follow the impulse for meaning in the midst of sacrifice. You are overthinking it. Just do it.
Yes, your hands are uncalloused. As for me, in my spare time this last winter I replaced the engine on my Jeep Wrangler so it will operate another 300,000 miles.
I don’t mean to be irreverent, and I certainly don’t discount the Glorious Mysteries which follow (making it all worthwhile) but these Rosary meditations came to mind:
The Agony
1. There just isn’t enough money
2. My husband’s job situation…
3. I need more space between children
4. The schools aren’t very good here
5. My parents’ health needs my attention
6. We’re still paying off student loans
7. The house is too small
8. School tuitions will break us
9. I’d really like to afford lessons for them
10. The time just isn’t right
The Scourging
1. I’m exhausted all the time
2. I’m nauseous, ravenously hungry (repeat as needed)
3. Did we plan this right? Why am I so anxious?
4. I thought this would make us closer, I’m a wreck
5. Why am I snapping at the other kids?
6. My family is upset, what was I thinking?
7. Nothing fits, I look a fright most of the time
8. The house is taking a hit, I can’t bend over
9. I can hardly lift the toddler, every outing a challenge
10. My back and hips are rioting
The Crowning with Thorns
1. I thought Braxton-Hicks were supposed to make it easier
2. Is my husband really checking his phone?
3. Why don’t the cheerful nurses seem to understand pain?
4. This room is hideous and the bed uncomfortable
5. Did I really say I wouldn’t use any meds?
6. Gee, my husband really enjoys watching the monitor
7. I am a trapped animal
8. Sure, the extra five med students are welcome to watch
9. I thought the pain would end with delivery
10. Death warmed over, but with a cute baby on top
The Via Dolorosa
1. Is the baby sleeping, eating, pooping ok?
2. Do we really need all this paraphernalia?
3. Lord, for a good night’s sleep
4. Start kindergarten, hold him back a year?
5. All the screens, all the input, what is healthy?
6. Now it’s sports, dance, school paraphernalia
7. They’re teaching what in school?
8. Sleepovers? Outings? Camps? Apprehension in every choice
9. The attitude, the sassiness, the irreverence, the mess
10. The price of college, and for what exactly?
The Crucifixion
1. Ma, why didn’t you do this when we were kids?
2. Ma, why did you make us do this when we were kids?
3. Ma, this was the worst, and I’m still upset …
4. Ma, it’s my life and I want to do …
5. Ma, can you watch the grandkids, but don’t …
6. Ma, I’ve got this, can you just help without a lecture?
7. Ma, you have no idea how hard this is
8. Ma, my friend’s mother is so cool, she said …
9. Ma, I know you mean well but things are different now
10. Ma, don’t get judgy—you don’t understand anything!
We’ve all agonised over the choice, made it too complicated, and had second thoughts about all of it. Not all the quips above are personal (just 80%); the rest were gleaned from dear friends. In and through the Blood of Christ, we are saved in child-bearing (cf. 1 Tim 2), and such salvation cannot come without a price.
I appreciate your writing so much. I am sick to death of this incredibly damaging political polarisation of motherhood that is so prevalent (especially when it wears "Christian" garb). It does so much harm to women. The Lord never prescribed specific life paths for entire demographics, with attached promises, and it is misrepresenting him to indicate or imply that he does.
Thank you, Katharine!
For me, a very important process of discerning when/whether to have more children is to simply tell someone (usually my husband) all my fears about another pregnancy and baby. Only once all the fears have been articulated and are out in the open can I really start to understand if they are self-focused fears to overcome or nudges from God that now is not the right time. But if the fears stay in my head, they crowd out everything else and cloud my ability to discern. By naming her fears, I think the letter writer is taking the first steps to happily starting a family!
I've found this very helpful too! I'm an excessively internal processor sometimes, and my confidants (husband and first child's godmother) are, thankfully, external processors.
This is transcendent advice, Helen. Truly. I just wanted to add a thought: Sometimes life has a way of delivering clarity or certainty around these decisions in a way that provides an opportunity to make them even more meaningful. When I decided to have a kid, I was wishy washy about it. But then my brother died one week before my 40th birthday. I was shattered, resigned to not celebrate my birthday, but then had an epiphany. "I'll use his death as a gift to start the process," I decided. So on my 40th, I decided to go for it in his honor and as his gift to me. His name is my son's middle name. From death, life.
I love that
Your description of what to do about fear actually reminds me very strongly of what someone with OCD is supposed to do about their intrusive thoughts. You’re not supposed to try to suppress them, but instead you’re supposed to acknowledge them without attaching any particular importance to them and move on. Unfortunately it’s very much easier said than done
This was such a lovely response. At the beginning of my motherhood journey, I was also trying to plan for the perfect time for pregnancy, and I had definitely crossed the line into being excessively "prudent". Luckily (although at the time, it definitely didn't feel that way), we were less cautious than we "should have been" and we were blessed with our first daughter. I remember being so scared and angry, but in retrospect, the timing couldn't have been better. God knows the plan, even if you don't.
Ahhh Helen I'm tearing up - this was so healing to read. Thank you. And to the question asker (and any other women in her position) if reading, from a woman who has three children and has been terrified each time, it's okay to do this afraid. You'll learn to tell the difference between prudence/your better instincts warning you something is not safe or advisable and fear with time. Don't listen to the voices around you that say, or seem to say, that you shouldn't feel afraid or you should ashamed for feeling afraid, it doesn't make you any less of a woman or a bad mother. 🙏🏼❤️🔥
This is so well said. The phrase “do it afraid” came to mind for me too. God asks us to trust Him in the midst of our fear.
This was so compassionate and wise. I grew up around the flatteningly positive side and came of age/have lived socially in the negative overcorrection. I've known so many women (including myself before having my son) stuck in that "cycle of endless, actionless discernment." It's easy to overlook how much it may mean to another woman to tell her you believe in her motherhood.
❤️
Great essay Helen! It always helps me to think: yes, pregnancy and childbirth (and raising kids) are very tough but also a lot of people have done it successfully!
I so appreciate this. There is a strain of writing on motherhood, much of it found on Substack, that essentially says “if this is hard, the problem is you.” With “this” being anything from childbirth to homeschooling to being home with small children to marriage.
Yes, it’s a reaction to negative portrayals of motherhood but a lot of this actually is really hard! I was pregnant or nursing for 6 years straight, through two live births and four miscarriages, and it was HARD. Beautiful, meaningful work, but really hard. I’m only just feeling physically recovered now that I’ve had a yearlong break from pregnancy/nursing.
Helen, this is all excellent and wise. You articulate well so many of my thoughts. Great work. ❤️👵🏼
❤️❤️❤️miss you!
I’ve been dealing with this fear as well. Your words are a balm. Thank you.
❤️
Really great piece and advice here
❤️
Wisdom!
Men are constantly going off to war at age 18. And they do it because they follow the impulse for meaning in the midst of sacrifice. You are overthinking it. Just do it.
uncalloused hands wrote this 💅
Yes, your hands are uncalloused. As for me, in my spare time this last winter I replaced the engine on my Jeep Wrangler so it will operate another 300,000 miles.
I don’t mean to be irreverent, and I certainly don’t discount the Glorious Mysteries which follow (making it all worthwhile) but these Rosary meditations came to mind:
The Agony
1. There just isn’t enough money
2. My husband’s job situation…
3. I need more space between children
4. The schools aren’t very good here
5. My parents’ health needs my attention
6. We’re still paying off student loans
7. The house is too small
8. School tuitions will break us
9. I’d really like to afford lessons for them
10. The time just isn’t right
The Scourging
1. I’m exhausted all the time
2. I’m nauseous, ravenously hungry (repeat as needed)
3. Did we plan this right? Why am I so anxious?
4. I thought this would make us closer, I’m a wreck
5. Why am I snapping at the other kids?
6. My family is upset, what was I thinking?
7. Nothing fits, I look a fright most of the time
8. The house is taking a hit, I can’t bend over
9. I can hardly lift the toddler, every outing a challenge
10. My back and hips are rioting
The Crowning with Thorns
1. I thought Braxton-Hicks were supposed to make it easier
2. Is my husband really checking his phone?
3. Why don’t the cheerful nurses seem to understand pain?
4. This room is hideous and the bed uncomfortable
5. Did I really say I wouldn’t use any meds?
6. Gee, my husband really enjoys watching the monitor
7. I am a trapped animal
8. Sure, the extra five med students are welcome to watch
9. I thought the pain would end with delivery
10. Death warmed over, but with a cute baby on top
The Via Dolorosa
1. Is the baby sleeping, eating, pooping ok?
2. Do we really need all this paraphernalia?
3. Lord, for a good night’s sleep
4. Start kindergarten, hold him back a year?
5. All the screens, all the input, what is healthy?
6. Now it’s sports, dance, school paraphernalia
7. They’re teaching what in school?
8. Sleepovers? Outings? Camps? Apprehension in every choice
9. The attitude, the sassiness, the irreverence, the mess
10. The price of college, and for what exactly?
The Crucifixion
1. Ma, why didn’t you do this when we were kids?
2. Ma, why did you make us do this when we were kids?
3. Ma, this was the worst, and I’m still upset …
4. Ma, it’s my life and I want to do …
5. Ma, can you watch the grandkids, but don’t …
6. Ma, I’ve got this, can you just help without a lecture?
7. Ma, you have no idea how hard this is
8. Ma, my friend’s mother is so cool, she said …
9. Ma, I know you mean well but things are different now
10. Ma, don’t get judgy—you don’t understand anything!
We’ve all agonised over the choice, made it too complicated, and had second thoughts about all of it. Not all the quips above are personal (just 80%); the rest were gleaned from dear friends. In and through the Blood of Christ, we are saved in child-bearing (cf. 1 Tim 2), and such salvation cannot come without a price.